My Uncle Ray

I grew up in an all-Irish family—except for my Uncle Ray, who was Italian and stood out in the best way. He was the only adult who consistently chose to spend time with the kids during family gatherings, and he always brought laughter, even after the funerals that became a regular part of our early lives. Ray was kind, quick-witted, and devoted to his family.

He was also a planner. He saved carefully and prepared thoroughly for retirement. About four years ago, he quietly pulled me aside and told me he feared something was wrong—he was losing his memory. He asked me to be ready to “steer the ship” when he no longer could. It was one of the bravest conversations I’ve ever had.

His fear became reality. He was diagnosed with vascular dementia, and my eighty-year-old aunt was overwhelmed as her once-sharp husband became confused and angry. Eventually he had to stop driving, then move to assisted living. Last Friday, we faced the heartbreaking decision to move him into the locked dementia unit. The man who had always directed his life so capably now needed every part of his day directed for him.

Through it all stands my aunt. For most of her life, Ray’s steadiness and humor protected her. As she aged and his mind faded, fear and doubt crept in. But Ray had prepared far more thoroughly than any of us realized. He had worked with an expert estate planning attorney, set up the right legal structures, and secured strong long-term care insurance. Those steps have preserved the assets he spent decades building. At nearly $100,000 a year for care, his planning has spared my aunt—and all of us—an enormous burden.

Watching someone once so in control lose that control is devastating. I shifted from nephew to caretaker, carrying a responsibility that felt both fragile and enormous. What steadied me were the instructions Ray had shared years before. He had the courage to face the future honestly.

I share this as a cautionary tale. If I could urge everyone to do four things, it would be these:

1. See an expert estate planning attorney.

2. Consider long-term care insurance, ideally with lifetime benefits and inflation protection.

3. Communicate your wishes to the people who will one day speak for you.

4. Choose capable decision-makers who can navigate legal and insurance systems.

My Uncle Ray is still incredibly special to me. To someone in your family, you may be their Ray. Even with all his planning, the journey has been exhausting and emotional—but his foresight has protected him, and us. The more you prepare now, the better life will be for the people you love.